Family time is good...
Today I woke up early. Every morning thus far I have woken up crying. It's weird. I don't recall dreaming anything sad or scary and yet in my first waking moments, I become aware that there are tears falling and my pillow is damp.
We cleaned house a bit this morning and Scott went to the grocery to get ready for our lunch with family. It was a very good afternoon. Good food followed by floating in the pool, laughing at the kids playing games and just relaxing with the ones we love. Boy, do I need days like that right now.
Later in the afternoon, when everyone had gone home, I picked back up painting my room. I made good progress today...it's nearly done! I can't say I love the color. I was going for a soft peach...it's pink. But, it's better than the buttercup yellow that it used to be. I know a lot of people like yellow and although my most favorite flowers are yellow roses, I'm not a fan of yellow walls. So...now they're pink. Scott has been very sweet and not complained.
I've got to start packing for our camping trip. I've never waited this long to start but I cannot seem to focus on it. Well, I have 3 days. I guess I better get focused! Up at Elkmont, there is no cell phone service and this makes me a bit anxious because I'll be waiting to hear about Drs. appointments and test results and surgery scheduling. So, I guess Scott and I will drive down off the mountain every couple of hours to see if I have any messages. I've told them they don't have to get my approval for appointments. Just make them and tell me when to be there.
Hopefully, I will know more after this week what exactly the plan will be. It takes up to 2 weeks for the genetic test results and I'm not sure how soon they'll read my MRI.
I'm torn on what I want to do. If I have the lumpectomy, I may still have to have chemo and definitely radiation, then tamoxifen for 5 years. This will be the fastest recovery and I'll only miss a week of work. If I go all in and have a double mastectomy and reconstruction, I will definitely have to have chemo, but maybe not radiation and then tamoxifen. Can I live the rest of my life worrying that it will come back in the other side? Maybe I should just get a shiny new pair. An upgrade! But can I handle losing all my hair...no eyebrows...no eyelashes...I think that would be devastating to be honest. Not to mention how long I'd be out of work, possibly 4-6 weeks. I love my job. I also love being able to pay my bills!
Cancer sucks. I go back and forth between being furious and being terrified and the heaviness in my chest never leaves. My stomach is in a knot that won't untangle. I'm not hungry.
Yesterday before I left work an old friend came by my window. It was so good to see her. You see she is a true warrior. She's had her own battle with breast cancer and she not only whipped it, she managed to show up to work and finish her college degree. She didn't have to say a word. Just her smile, a hug, and a whispered I'm praying for you made my day. Another little assurance from God just when I needed it.
Today's Prayer Requests:
1. MRI on Friday - for the meds to work so I won't be so anxious and for the results to be good.
2. For the genetic test to be negative for the cancer gene.
3. For the anxiety that I feel pretty much constantly to ease up.
4. For appointments to be made this next week so that I can move forward to getting this unwelcome intruder out of my body once and for all.
5. Please pray I do not need chemo.
6. For a surgery date soon.
Today's Verse:
We cleaned house a bit this morning and Scott went to the grocery to get ready for our lunch with family. It was a very good afternoon. Good food followed by floating in the pool, laughing at the kids playing games and just relaxing with the ones we love. Boy, do I need days like that right now.
Later in the afternoon, when everyone had gone home, I picked back up painting my room. I made good progress today...it's nearly done! I can't say I love the color. I was going for a soft peach...it's pink. But, it's better than the buttercup yellow that it used to be. I know a lot of people like yellow and although my most favorite flowers are yellow roses, I'm not a fan of yellow walls. So...now they're pink. Scott has been very sweet and not complained.
I've got to start packing for our camping trip. I've never waited this long to start but I cannot seem to focus on it. Well, I have 3 days. I guess I better get focused! Up at Elkmont, there is no cell phone service and this makes me a bit anxious because I'll be waiting to hear about Drs. appointments and test results and surgery scheduling. So, I guess Scott and I will drive down off the mountain every couple of hours to see if I have any messages. I've told them they don't have to get my approval for appointments. Just make them and tell me when to be there.
Hopefully, I will know more after this week what exactly the plan will be. It takes up to 2 weeks for the genetic test results and I'm not sure how soon they'll read my MRI.
I'm torn on what I want to do. If I have the lumpectomy, I may still have to have chemo and definitely radiation, then tamoxifen for 5 years. This will be the fastest recovery and I'll only miss a week of work. If I go all in and have a double mastectomy and reconstruction, I will definitely have to have chemo, but maybe not radiation and then tamoxifen. Can I live the rest of my life worrying that it will come back in the other side? Maybe I should just get a shiny new pair. An upgrade! But can I handle losing all my hair...no eyebrows...no eyelashes...I think that would be devastating to be honest. Not to mention how long I'd be out of work, possibly 4-6 weeks. I love my job. I also love being able to pay my bills!
Cancer sucks. I go back and forth between being furious and being terrified and the heaviness in my chest never leaves. My stomach is in a knot that won't untangle. I'm not hungry.
Yesterday before I left work an old friend came by my window. It was so good to see her. You see she is a true warrior. She's had her own battle with breast cancer and she not only whipped it, she managed to show up to work and finish her college degree. She didn't have to say a word. Just her smile, a hug, and a whispered I'm praying for you made my day. Another little assurance from God just when I needed it.
Today's Prayer Requests:
1. MRI on Friday - for the meds to work so I won't be so anxious and for the results to be good.
2. For the genetic test to be negative for the cancer gene.
3. For the anxiety that I feel pretty much constantly to ease up.
4. For appointments to be made this next week so that I can move forward to getting this unwelcome intruder out of my body once and for all.
5. Please pray I do not need chemo.
6. For a surgery date soon.
Today's Verse:
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