Honesty...

I feel a little better today. Not sure if it's the meds, just knowing a few more results or talking over options with Scott. He's all for me going all the way...double mastectomy with immediate recontruction, chemo, radiation...I just want it done asap. I'll know more about my options after the biopsies on Monday afternoon. I plan on telling my Dr. that I want them both gone as soon as possible. I can't live with the worry of it coming back in the other side. I only want to have to do this once.

My google and youtube searches these days are odd. Treatment options, videos of various types of surgeries, make-up videos on how to put your eyebrows back on if you lose them due to chemo. Wigs. Hats. Ugh.

Camp has been simply beautiful. It rained one night a little but we stayed dry in the tent and slept well. The days have been gorgeous, not too hot in camp. The creek feels amazing and jolts you awake with it's icy waters. Today we're going to stick around camp, go up and walk through the ghost town. The kids may do some tubing in the creek and tonight we're going back into Gatlinburg for some last minute shopping. We leave tomorrow, stopping at a pancake house for breakfast before we head home.

I am ready for a hot shower. The bucket baths do the trick but a nice long shower will feel good. I dread unpacking and washing all the clothes, as always. But I am ready to be home and get on with this battle. If stress burned calories I'd be a size 0.

I still don't have the results of my genetic test. Hopefully by tomorrow or Monday.

The song "You Were Born to be Courageous" has been running through my head today. I'm considering getting another tattoo on my other wrist. Something to do with being a courageous warrior. Not sure. Jarod's gonna try and design something small.

This has been a very odd vacation. On the one hand it has been enjoyable, peaceful, gorgeous. this place is filled with a life-time of memories for me. I know every tree, every boulder, every inch of this campground and it feels like home. But, it has been tinged with sadness, anxiousness and fear...as much as I try to keep it at bay...it is still there. Fear of the unknown. Fear that there is something in my body that wants to kill me. As much as I know where I am going when I leave this earth, I am not ready to go just yet. I want to see all my children get married. I want to hold my grandbabies. I want to grow old with the man I love. So I am going to fight with everything that is in me. I have so much more I want to do and I hope that through my writing I can show others who might be going through this same experience that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and there is a Savior who will carry them through it all. I cannot imagine going through something like this without the hope of Christ in my life.

But this is not going to be a blog that isn't honest. Some days I am angry that this is happening to me. Some days I am discouraged. Some days I am just numb. But God understands every emotion and He is not offended by them. Some days when I pray, I yell and scream and stomp my feet in anger. Some days, I can do nothing but cry and yet He understands the groanings of my soul. He wants me to talk to Him, to tell Him my feelings and He comforts my soul in the process. I'm going to tell you like it is. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It sucks. But with God in my corner, I have hope.

One of the things that's been bothering me is the loss of control. I can be fiercely independent.  When I want something done, I do it. I don't want to feel like a burden on anyone. I hate that feeling. But, I am about to have to give up control over a lot of things and that makes me anxious and angry. I am very, very thankful that I will have lots of help. I am truly blessed beyond measure where that is concerned.

My sweet adoptive Aunt Joan was up here camping with us with Uncle Curly. She had recent knee surgery and started having some complications. She had to go back to the hospital and is having knee surgery today. She's got an infection in the artificial knee and will be in the hospital for several days while they figure out how to treat it. Please pray for her. We are all very worried and love her very much.

Today's Prayer Requests:

1. Pray for Aunt Joan
2. My biopsies on Monday at 2pm
3. Genetic test results
4. Surgery to be scheduled ASAP
5. Pray for my family.

Verse for Today:

1 Peter 3:12

"The Lord watches over everyone who obeys Him, and He listens to their prayers."