Tests Tomorrow....
Searching in my closet for things to take camping, I found 2 shirts and a cap that I bought last year to wear to school when the 5th graders were raising money for Breast Cancer Research. Never thought I'd be wearing them as someone with cancer. "Hope in Pink" "Pink for the Cure" I stared at them angrily for several days before I decided to actually wear them. And I am still angry...very. I'm angry this has happened to me. Angry that I now have to put my life on hold to fight this. Angry that things were going so well and then came crashing down. I think it is normal to feel angry about something like this and I think it wouldn't be good for me to pretend otherwise.
Tomorrow I have more tests. An ultrasound of my left breast and of my right sentinel lymph node, which they said looked a bit enlarged on the MRI. There is no lump on my left side but the MRI showed an abnormality they want to look at a bit closer. They will most likely biopsy both. I'm not afraid of the pain. After having 3 babies, I'm pretty sure I can handle it. I'm afraid of the results. I don't want it to be in my lymph node. I keep thinking, what if back in March I had insisted on another opinion of what I thought was an unusual dent in my breast. What if I had challenged the seemingly normal 3D mammogram that my Dr. put so much stock in. Perhaps it would have been caught even sooner? I know...what ifs do no one any good and I am trying to remember that.
I don't want this blog to be a constant downer. I do want to give some inspiration. But I suppose my feelings are still pretty raw and I feel the need to be honest. I read someone else's blog today and she said when she found out she had breast cancer she had a complete breakdown and sobbed from the very depths of her soul and once the shock wore off some days later, she began to feel very angry. The stages of grief are different for everyone. I was glad to read that. My experience was the same. I don't think I have ever cried like that and I don't ever want to experience that again. I still wake up every morning in tears. My body comes out of the sweet forgetfulness of slumber and remembers before I am even conscious enough to realize it, and it grieves.
Church today was good, and a challenge. My anxiety meds made me so sleepy I could barely hold my head up today for some reason. I didn't eat much for breakfast and that may have been the issue. At one point I had to get up and leave because I simply couldn't stay awake. No reflection on our awesome pastor's message...it certainly had nothing to do with that. I went out to my car and laid the seat back and shut my eyes for a few minutes, asking Scott to text me when it was time to go back in a sing for the invitation. After lunch, I came home and went right to bed and slept for nearly 3 hours. I got up and ate and still haven't woken up completely. I cannot wait to go back to sleep. Hoping to wake up refreshed tomorrow and ready to get back to work.
Work...I love my new job so much. It upsets me that I will have to miss work for appointments and surgery and all that follows. After a week away I also wonder if word has spread about my diagnosis. I'm not keeping it a secret. That's not really possible with all I have to face and besides, the more people praying for me the better. I do feel a little apprehensive about facing it at work though. I'm not sure why. I find it very hard to tell someone in person. I can't seem to get the words out.
Singing...I was afraid it would be too hard to get up there in front of the church and sing. But instead, it is one of the few places I feel good. Worshiping through song is comforting to my soul and being up there with my family helps. The only part I've found hard is smiling, but I am trying.
If you are going through the same thing I am now, or you know someone who is, I hope this is helping you to know that you are not alone. That your feelings are not abnormal or weird or wrong. My hope comes from my relationship with Christ. I cannot imagine going through this without the knowledge that He is with me every step of the way. I will come out of this stronger and better equipped to do the job He has me here to do. I'm gonna fall down sometimes but there will never be a day I think it's not worth the fight. If there is one thing I am certain of, it is that God made me of stern stuff. I may cry in the process but I will also fight with all I've got.
Today's Prayer Requests:
1. Tomorrow's ultrasound and biopsies at 2:15pm.
2. Surgery scheduled soon.
3. Pray that I can get the right dosage on my anxiety meds so I am not so sleepy all day.
4. Please pray for my Aunt Joan's knee, that the infection would be easily treated.
5. Pray for Scott, my boys and my parents.
6. Pray for my best friend Suzie.
7. Pray for peace and bravery for me.
Today's Verse:
Tomorrow I have more tests. An ultrasound of my left breast and of my right sentinel lymph node, which they said looked a bit enlarged on the MRI. There is no lump on my left side but the MRI showed an abnormality they want to look at a bit closer. They will most likely biopsy both. I'm not afraid of the pain. After having 3 babies, I'm pretty sure I can handle it. I'm afraid of the results. I don't want it to be in my lymph node. I keep thinking, what if back in March I had insisted on another opinion of what I thought was an unusual dent in my breast. What if I had challenged the seemingly normal 3D mammogram that my Dr. put so much stock in. Perhaps it would have been caught even sooner? I know...what ifs do no one any good and I am trying to remember that.
I don't want this blog to be a constant downer. I do want to give some inspiration. But I suppose my feelings are still pretty raw and I feel the need to be honest. I read someone else's blog today and she said when she found out she had breast cancer she had a complete breakdown and sobbed from the very depths of her soul and once the shock wore off some days later, she began to feel very angry. The stages of grief are different for everyone. I was glad to read that. My experience was the same. I don't think I have ever cried like that and I don't ever want to experience that again. I still wake up every morning in tears. My body comes out of the sweet forgetfulness of slumber and remembers before I am even conscious enough to realize it, and it grieves.
Church today was good, and a challenge. My anxiety meds made me so sleepy I could barely hold my head up today for some reason. I didn't eat much for breakfast and that may have been the issue. At one point I had to get up and leave because I simply couldn't stay awake. No reflection on our awesome pastor's message...it certainly had nothing to do with that. I went out to my car and laid the seat back and shut my eyes for a few minutes, asking Scott to text me when it was time to go back in a sing for the invitation. After lunch, I came home and went right to bed and slept for nearly 3 hours. I got up and ate and still haven't woken up completely. I cannot wait to go back to sleep. Hoping to wake up refreshed tomorrow and ready to get back to work.
Work...I love my new job so much. It upsets me that I will have to miss work for appointments and surgery and all that follows. After a week away I also wonder if word has spread about my diagnosis. I'm not keeping it a secret. That's not really possible with all I have to face and besides, the more people praying for me the better. I do feel a little apprehensive about facing it at work though. I'm not sure why. I find it very hard to tell someone in person. I can't seem to get the words out.
Singing...I was afraid it would be too hard to get up there in front of the church and sing. But instead, it is one of the few places I feel good. Worshiping through song is comforting to my soul and being up there with my family helps. The only part I've found hard is smiling, but I am trying.
If you are going through the same thing I am now, or you know someone who is, I hope this is helping you to know that you are not alone. That your feelings are not abnormal or weird or wrong. My hope comes from my relationship with Christ. I cannot imagine going through this without the knowledge that He is with me every step of the way. I will come out of this stronger and better equipped to do the job He has me here to do. I'm gonna fall down sometimes but there will never be a day I think it's not worth the fight. If there is one thing I am certain of, it is that God made me of stern stuff. I may cry in the process but I will also fight with all I've got.
Today's Prayer Requests:
1. Tomorrow's ultrasound and biopsies at 2:15pm.
2. Surgery scheduled soon.
3. Pray that I can get the right dosage on my anxiety meds so I am not so sleepy all day.
4. Please pray for my Aunt Joan's knee, that the infection would be easily treated.
5. Pray for Scott, my boys and my parents.
6. Pray for my best friend Suzie.
7. Pray for peace and bravery for me.
Today's Verse:
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