Restlessness...
I woke up this morning at 5:00am and could not go back to sleep. It seems that flossing my teeth last night was not entirely a good idea. My gums swelled up and they were killing me (they're better now) and that added to my sore tongue kept me awake. Now I understand why they recommended using a waterpik. Anyway, I just got up when Scott did at 6:00am.
I have felt really good today and also very restless. I am tired of being cooped up! The bed frame for the guest room came today and it was in a million pieces so I put it together. I'm good at that sort of thing (I read directions). My new mattress comes on Monday and we'll move our old one in there so Mom and Dad will have a place to sleep when they get here on the 31st. We've moved the full bed into Jarod's room since it was completely empty after he moved back to Boone. I miss him and Aimee so much! *sniff*
Not long after I got up this morning I was putting dishes in the dishwasher and noticed the inside was covered in mildew. I pulled out the rack and realized the bottom was full of black goop! Gross!!! It was NOT like that a couple days ago. Apparently, the pump broke and gunk backed up into the dishwasher. EWWW!! After some deliberation and a call to the homeowner's insurance, we decided it would be smarter to put the $100 for the service call toward a new dishwasher. The homeowner's insurance will give us $100 towards a new one so I bought one online and it will be here in a few days. We've been using mostly paper plates and such anyway so no big deal. I'm just thankful we had a little extra cash on hand to buy it.
This whole crisis in our lives has made us look at things completely differently. You think you understand what someone is going through but the truth is, until it happens to you, you really have no idea at all. My outlook on life has completely changed. Little things like dishwashers breaking don't really matter. Now the things that matter are white blood cell counts, hand washing, germ-x, not forgetting to take pills, worrying how I'll cope with 7 more rounds of aggressive chemo? Will it work? When will life just be normal again? If I stop and think about it all it seems quite daunting. But on top of all that I have this sense of calmness. Don't get me wrong, I still have moments of panic, but they are much fewer and farther between. I feel your prayers loved ones, truly. I feel God surrounding me with love, with the people I need, the resources and things I need to get better. Every time I think about having my next Chemo I tear up. I don't want to do it again, much less 7 more times, but I have to and I know that I will be well taken care of afterward. Every time I go I'm struck by the fact that I am the youngest patient there, by at least 20 years or more, and I'm 50 so I'm not young. They all look at me sitting amongst them in the waiting room. I can feel their eyes on me. They nod and give me a sympathetic smile and I can almost read their minds. "She's much too young to be sitting here with us." They come in with oxygen, walkers, canes. Sometimes it makes me want to run away, but instead, I do my best to smile back at them to reassure them that I'm ok and that I understand that we'd all rather be somewhere else.
Last time I was at the cancer center to get blood drawn an elderly man was seated next to me. He was trying to get comfortable leaning his head in his hands and I couldn't help but wish I had a neck pillow to give him. Perhaps I can get my mom to show me how to make some while she's here and take some to fellow patients now and then. That would give me something to do when I quarantined at home.
Thank you loved ones if you're still reading my ramblings. More than anything I just need to get this out of my head. It helps me so much. If it helps you too I am happy.
Today's Prayer Requests:
I have felt really good today and also very restless. I am tired of being cooped up! The bed frame for the guest room came today and it was in a million pieces so I put it together. I'm good at that sort of thing (I read directions). My new mattress comes on Monday and we'll move our old one in there so Mom and Dad will have a place to sleep when they get here on the 31st. We've moved the full bed into Jarod's room since it was completely empty after he moved back to Boone. I miss him and Aimee so much! *sniff*
Not long after I got up this morning I was putting dishes in the dishwasher and noticed the inside was covered in mildew. I pulled out the rack and realized the bottom was full of black goop! Gross!!! It was NOT like that a couple days ago. Apparently, the pump broke and gunk backed up into the dishwasher. EWWW!! After some deliberation and a call to the homeowner's insurance, we decided it would be smarter to put the $100 for the service call toward a new dishwasher. The homeowner's insurance will give us $100 towards a new one so I bought one online and it will be here in a few days. We've been using mostly paper plates and such anyway so no big deal. I'm just thankful we had a little extra cash on hand to buy it.
This whole crisis in our lives has made us look at things completely differently. You think you understand what someone is going through but the truth is, until it happens to you, you really have no idea at all. My outlook on life has completely changed. Little things like dishwashers breaking don't really matter. Now the things that matter are white blood cell counts, hand washing, germ-x, not forgetting to take pills, worrying how I'll cope with 7 more rounds of aggressive chemo? Will it work? When will life just be normal again? If I stop and think about it all it seems quite daunting. But on top of all that I have this sense of calmness. Don't get me wrong, I still have moments of panic, but they are much fewer and farther between. I feel your prayers loved ones, truly. I feel God surrounding me with love, with the people I need, the resources and things I need to get better. Every time I think about having my next Chemo I tear up. I don't want to do it again, much less 7 more times, but I have to and I know that I will be well taken care of afterward. Every time I go I'm struck by the fact that I am the youngest patient there, by at least 20 years or more, and I'm 50 so I'm not young. They all look at me sitting amongst them in the waiting room. I can feel their eyes on me. They nod and give me a sympathetic smile and I can almost read their minds. "She's much too young to be sitting here with us." They come in with oxygen, walkers, canes. Sometimes it makes me want to run away, but instead, I do my best to smile back at them to reassure them that I'm ok and that I understand that we'd all rather be somewhere else.
Last time I was at the cancer center to get blood drawn an elderly man was seated next to me. He was trying to get comfortable leaning his head in his hands and I couldn't help but wish I had a neck pillow to give him. Perhaps I can get my mom to show me how to make some while she's here and take some to fellow patients now and then. That would give me something to do when I quarantined at home.
Thank you loved ones if you're still reading my ramblings. More than anything I just need to get this out of my head. It helps me so much. If it helps you too I am happy.
Today's Prayer Requests:
- Continue to pray for me to stay well (no fever) and be able to have my chemo on Monday.
- Praise for feeling good!
- Pray for my family.
- Pray for me to be brave, to stay well, to be patient and stay positive.
Today's Verse:
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