Jesus With Skin On....
You may have heard the story about "Jesus With Skin On". It's about a child who is afraid to sleep alone on a dark and stormy night. She cries out to her mom who tells her that she needn't be afraid because Jesus is right beside her. The child replies, "But Mommy, right now I need Jesus with skin on!"
I had my 7th chemo today. It went very well! There was a little blip that had to be addressed, but thankfully it didn't require me to postpone my treatment. I was sweating bullets over that one! My blood pressure today was only 85/60 and some markers on my labs indicated I was a bit dehydrated. After a raised eyebrow from the nurse and a caution from my Doctor that I needed to be drinking more fluids, my chemo was approved. Whew!! I really thought I drank more than ever the past 2 weeks. Oh well, I promise to do better these last 2 weeks because I want this to be OVER!!
I am staying close to home the next couple of weeks because I cannot afford to get sick. I would cry buckets if I had to postpone my last treatment!!
Sometimes, while I'm getting my treatments, a patient comes in that is very, very sick. Everyone else in the room gets very quiet and you can see the fear in their eyes. Everyone getting a treatment is thinking God, please don't let that happen to me. Today I cried during my treatment, but this time it wasn't for me. It was for her. Two seats down, skin and bones, hair so very thin it was barely there, sunken eyes, trembling hands....I watched her husband help her get comfortable in the chair and a few minutes later, I watched as the nurse explained to her that she couldn't have her treatment today because her blood count was too low. She started to shake and then cry quietly and the nurse knelt down beside her, took her hand and said, "Now you look at me. You are just being delayed a week. You are not losing ground, do you hear me? You are NOT losing ground. We will pick up where we left off next week and everything will be just fine." The nurse wiped the lady's tears and gave her a hug. I don't think there was a dry eye in the place.
I worried when I was assigned to the Brunswick office for the Zimmer Cancer Center. I thought perhaps being over in the very small offices that I would miss out on all the bells and whistles and comforts they offer at the hospital location. But then I had to have a treatment over there after the hurricane and I quickly learned that although very nice and modern and swimming with volunteers intent on making you comfortable, it was just not for me. There were SO many people, so much noise, someone asking me every 5 minutes if I wanted a snack, a water, a blanket. It was quite overwhelming. I waited a very long time for my treatment. It wasn't the nurse's fault, it was just so crazy busy! Anyway, the 9 cozy infusion chairs in the sunny little room at the Brunswick office with four kind, compassionate, funny, oncology nurses who take the time to get to know you, listen to stories their patients tell, encourage us when we're feeling down and tell us we're doing great. That is so what I needed to get me through this and God knew that! He knew it. He planned it and He used them to help me make it through this generally horrible experience with a smile. I will never to able to thank them enough for their support and care. That being said, I hope I never have to see the inside of that room again after November 19th!!!
Scott brought dinner home from Panera Bread tonight and brought me a cherry danish. Man, I LOVE Cherries!! I asked him to bring home some pie crusts so I can make a cherry pie tomorrow when I am on my steroid high. Hopefully, I won't end up eating the whole thing myself! The steroids make me a bit hyper the day after and so hungry I could eat and eat and eat. Thank goodness I only have one more treatment! If I went on much longer I'd be the size of a house. Not only do the steroids make my cheeks turn bright red, they make my face swell up and make me gain weight (because I never stop eating). When all this is said and done, I am going to have to rejoin weight watchers I think. Oh well, better to be alive and fluffy than the alternative!!
If all goes as planned I will have the double mastectomy on December 14th, and then sometime the first week or so of February I will have the hysterectomy. It is very important for me to have my ovaries removed because the type of cancer I have is 95% receptive to estrogen. Estrogen is its food. So, they have to go and the rest too and that's ok with me. They've done their job and gave me three healthy babies. Once that is done I hope to be able to return to work the first of March.
Sometime this week I need to call my insurance company. My oncologist told me today that my boys need to have genetic testing to see if they have the BRCA2 gene. They have a 50% chance of inheriting it and it increases their risk for prostate, pancreatic and also breast cancer. The problem is, most insurance companies will only pay for this test for women, not men. It's infuriating to think that because their not women, insurance companies don't think it's as important. Anyway, I don't know what my insurance company will cover so I'm going to call and ask. I'm praying so very hard I didn't pass it on to them!!
I'm starting to get very nervous about the surgery and to be honest, sad. I'm sad that I'm going to lose a part of me. I'm sad I will never be or look the same again. A lot of people think that when you have a mastectomy and reconstruction that you are getting something better. But the truth is I am losing a part of me that is real and in return getting something that is cold and unfeeling and scarred. That is what makes me sad. But, I try not to dwell on it too much. I will make the best of what I get. I may even get some pretty little flower tattoos to cover the scars, visible only to me and my hubby. That's called using the lemons life has given me to make some lovely lemonade! On a side note, I saw the funniest T-shirt! It said, "Heck yes, they're fake! The real ones tried to kill me!" LOL! I might need to buy it!! :)
I came home from chemo today and there was a package waiting for me from my BFF with lots of goodies in it! Her mother-in-law, such a sweet friend, sent me something too! What a wonderful thing to come home to after a not so pleasant morning of being poisoned, LOL! Her daughter, my sweet KK I've know since she was 8, is getting married Jan. 19th. I sure would love to fly down to be at her wedding. At this point, I have no idea how I'll be feeling a month after surgery. I am determined if I am feeling well enough, to be there to see her get married. I love her like my own. I can't believe I am sidelined at this point in time!! Ugh!!
All in all, I am feeling very positive these days and am looking forward to putting all this behind me and getting back to work. God has used this time to teach me, mold me, focus me on what is really important in life. Being kind to each other, even when it's hard. Letting our loved ones know that we love them. Being the hands, feet, arms, legs, the voice of Jesus to the ones around us...even when they don't seem to be listening, trust me, they're watching. I don't know that by me writing down my thoughts and real feelings that I have helped anyone, but what I do know is that it has helped me. One day I will go back and read this as part of my history and I will see the hand of God clearly as He carried me through this journey to healing. I will see clearly how He used the people in my life through acts of kindness, cards, notes, texts, visits, meals, gifts, hugs, listening ears. People say that when hard times come, you find out who your true friends are...well all I can say is WOW!! I never knew how truly blessed I am. There are people, literally all over the world, that have prayed for me. It is overwhelming to know that. There is no way for me to ever express my thanks, my gratitude, my love, or my awe at how God has used each of you to help me! That God would love me so much that He would send a message of love, provision, trust and healing through ordinary people in my life...well it is hard to believe and yet, there it is, in black and white. All I have to do is go back and read it! Thank each of you for allowing Him to use you in that way. Thank you for being "Jesus with skin on"!!
Today's Prayer Requests:
I had my 7th chemo today. It went very well! There was a little blip that had to be addressed, but thankfully it didn't require me to postpone my treatment. I was sweating bullets over that one! My blood pressure today was only 85/60 and some markers on my labs indicated I was a bit dehydrated. After a raised eyebrow from the nurse and a caution from my Doctor that I needed to be drinking more fluids, my chemo was approved. Whew!! I really thought I drank more than ever the past 2 weeks. Oh well, I promise to do better these last 2 weeks because I want this to be OVER!!
I am staying close to home the next couple of weeks because I cannot afford to get sick. I would cry buckets if I had to postpone my last treatment!!
Sometimes, while I'm getting my treatments, a patient comes in that is very, very sick. Everyone else in the room gets very quiet and you can see the fear in their eyes. Everyone getting a treatment is thinking God, please don't let that happen to me. Today I cried during my treatment, but this time it wasn't for me. It was for her. Two seats down, skin and bones, hair so very thin it was barely there, sunken eyes, trembling hands....I watched her husband help her get comfortable in the chair and a few minutes later, I watched as the nurse explained to her that she couldn't have her treatment today because her blood count was too low. She started to shake and then cry quietly and the nurse knelt down beside her, took her hand and said, "Now you look at me. You are just being delayed a week. You are not losing ground, do you hear me? You are NOT losing ground. We will pick up where we left off next week and everything will be just fine." The nurse wiped the lady's tears and gave her a hug. I don't think there was a dry eye in the place.
I worried when I was assigned to the Brunswick office for the Zimmer Cancer Center. I thought perhaps being over in the very small offices that I would miss out on all the bells and whistles and comforts they offer at the hospital location. But then I had to have a treatment over there after the hurricane and I quickly learned that although very nice and modern and swimming with volunteers intent on making you comfortable, it was just not for me. There were SO many people, so much noise, someone asking me every 5 minutes if I wanted a snack, a water, a blanket. It was quite overwhelming. I waited a very long time for my treatment. It wasn't the nurse's fault, it was just so crazy busy! Anyway, the 9 cozy infusion chairs in the sunny little room at the Brunswick office with four kind, compassionate, funny, oncology nurses who take the time to get to know you, listen to stories their patients tell, encourage us when we're feeling down and tell us we're doing great. That is so what I needed to get me through this and God knew that! He knew it. He planned it and He used them to help me make it through this generally horrible experience with a smile. I will never to able to thank them enough for their support and care. That being said, I hope I never have to see the inside of that room again after November 19th!!!
Scott brought dinner home from Panera Bread tonight and brought me a cherry danish. Man, I LOVE Cherries!! I asked him to bring home some pie crusts so I can make a cherry pie tomorrow when I am on my steroid high. Hopefully, I won't end up eating the whole thing myself! The steroids make me a bit hyper the day after and so hungry I could eat and eat and eat. Thank goodness I only have one more treatment! If I went on much longer I'd be the size of a house. Not only do the steroids make my cheeks turn bright red, they make my face swell up and make me gain weight (because I never stop eating). When all this is said and done, I am going to have to rejoin weight watchers I think. Oh well, better to be alive and fluffy than the alternative!!
If all goes as planned I will have the double mastectomy on December 14th, and then sometime the first week or so of February I will have the hysterectomy. It is very important for me to have my ovaries removed because the type of cancer I have is 95% receptive to estrogen. Estrogen is its food. So, they have to go and the rest too and that's ok with me. They've done their job and gave me three healthy babies. Once that is done I hope to be able to return to work the first of March.
Sometime this week I need to call my insurance company. My oncologist told me today that my boys need to have genetic testing to see if they have the BRCA2 gene. They have a 50% chance of inheriting it and it increases their risk for prostate, pancreatic and also breast cancer. The problem is, most insurance companies will only pay for this test for women, not men. It's infuriating to think that because their not women, insurance companies don't think it's as important. Anyway, I don't know what my insurance company will cover so I'm going to call and ask. I'm praying so very hard I didn't pass it on to them!!
I'm starting to get very nervous about the surgery and to be honest, sad. I'm sad that I'm going to lose a part of me. I'm sad I will never be or look the same again. A lot of people think that when you have a mastectomy and reconstruction that you are getting something better. But the truth is I am losing a part of me that is real and in return getting something that is cold and unfeeling and scarred. That is what makes me sad. But, I try not to dwell on it too much. I will make the best of what I get. I may even get some pretty little flower tattoos to cover the scars, visible only to me and my hubby. That's called using the lemons life has given me to make some lovely lemonade! On a side note, I saw the funniest T-shirt! It said, "Heck yes, they're fake! The real ones tried to kill me!" LOL! I might need to buy it!! :)
I came home from chemo today and there was a package waiting for me from my BFF with lots of goodies in it! Her mother-in-law, such a sweet friend, sent me something too! What a wonderful thing to come home to after a not so pleasant morning of being poisoned, LOL! Her daughter, my sweet KK I've know since she was 8, is getting married Jan. 19th. I sure would love to fly down to be at her wedding. At this point, I have no idea how I'll be feeling a month after surgery. I am determined if I am feeling well enough, to be there to see her get married. I love her like my own. I can't believe I am sidelined at this point in time!! Ugh!!
All in all, I am feeling very positive these days and am looking forward to putting all this behind me and getting back to work. God has used this time to teach me, mold me, focus me on what is really important in life. Being kind to each other, even when it's hard. Letting our loved ones know that we love them. Being the hands, feet, arms, legs, the voice of Jesus to the ones around us...even when they don't seem to be listening, trust me, they're watching. I don't know that by me writing down my thoughts and real feelings that I have helped anyone, but what I do know is that it has helped me. One day I will go back and read this as part of my history and I will see the hand of God clearly as He carried me through this journey to healing. I will see clearly how He used the people in my life through acts of kindness, cards, notes, texts, visits, meals, gifts, hugs, listening ears. People say that when hard times come, you find out who your true friends are...well all I can say is WOW!! I never knew how truly blessed I am. There are people, literally all over the world, that have prayed for me. It is overwhelming to know that. There is no way for me to ever express my thanks, my gratitude, my love, or my awe at how God has used each of you to help me! That God would love me so much that He would send a message of love, provision, trust and healing through ordinary people in my life...well it is hard to believe and yet, there it is, in black and white. All I have to do is go back and read it! Thank each of you for allowing Him to use you in that way. Thank you for being "Jesus with skin on"!!
Today's Prayer Requests:
- Please pray that I will be able to get some answers from my insurance company regarding genetic testing for the boys.
- Please pray that they will all be negative for the BRCA2 gene.
- Please pray that I will be able to stay better hydrated the next two weeks.
- Please pray for Jarod, Charles & Aimee as they drive home the day before Thanksgiving.
- Please pray for Scott & the choir as he prepares for The Living Christmas Tree.
- Please pray for Taylor as he waits to hear about a promising job he interviewed for last week.
- Please pray for me to be strong, brave, stay well and stay positive.
Today's Verse:
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