Oh My Soul...

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 It’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been thru some 6 month checkups and all is well. I've had to change the medication I take that keeps my body from making estrogen. I have to take it because the type of cancer I had fed off of estrogen. But the medications are very hard to tolerate and I got to a point I couldn't take the pain any longer. So, they changed me to Tamoxifen. I haven't had any horrible side effects from it which is wonderful. My hair is thinner and I can't lose weight, but it is worth it in the end. At the next 6 month appointment I will have reached 5 yrs & the appointments will move to yearly. I’m a little freaked out by that to be honest. I’ve been told over & over by many doctors that I might feel the opposite of how you’d expect when I reach that big mile marker on this journey. I didn’t believe them. But they were right. I've fought with anxiety and a bit of depression for years and I can feel it's slippery, slimy self seeping back in some days.

Sometimes it's fine. Sometimes it's not. So if you see me looking a little less smiley, a little less cheerful, please just understand it's not something I have chosen. I don't have a bad attitude. I'm not ungrateful. I'm not purposefully antisocial. Some days I just want to stay in my little protective bubble, some days I'm a social butterfly...well maybe that's a touch to far, LOL. I hide it well. It's a defense mechanism I suppose, but there's a cost. I will eventually burst into tears at the absolute silliest things. Like the other day when I couldn't find my keys in my bag, or the day I sprained my thumb opening a jar. It hurt, but not enough to cry...goodness. 

There's such a stigma on depression and anxiety. People who have never had to deal with it think you should just get over it and cheer up, be happy, stop moping. It doesn't work that way and those words are very unhelpful to be honest. There's tremendous guilt associated with it too. That little voice in your head says, "What are you moping about for? Look at all your blessings. Why is your heart racing? Suck it up buttercup." I've dealt with it long enough to know that it will pass, but I don't need someone else to tell me that. I've heard it enough. Again, it's not helpful and it hurts.

For many, medication for depression can work wonders. For me, it does not. I get to a point where I am completely numb and feel nothing, even on a mild dose. I'd rather feel, even if that means I have to take the bad days with the good. I've had some success with an as needed medication for panic attacks. Those are horrendous and I can take the side effects of that med since it is pretty rare I need them. 

Why am I telling you all this? Does it make you uncomfortable to read it? Imagine how it feels to say it....to feel it. I tell you this because I want you to know that if you are suffering from anxiety or depression, it doesn't mean you're broken, or weird, or not quite right in the head. It's a physical illness, not unlike any other, and you are not to blame for it in any way. There are treatments that can work for you and I encourage you to speak to your Dr. about it. You are not alone.

Did you know that there are people in the bible who suffered from anxiety and depression? 

David was troubled and battled deep despair. Elijah was weary, discouraged and afraid. Jonah was angry and ran away. Job suffered great loss, devastation and physical illness. Moses was grieved over his people. Jeremiah wrestled with great loneliness, feelings of defeat and insecurity. Even Jesus was deeply anguished over what lay before him. 

Yet even when my heart is hurting, even when I feel like it is a monumental task to just get up and put one foot in front of the other, I have something that gets me through. I have a faith in my creator. The one who loves me unconditionally, even when I'm grouchy, or sad, or tired, or sick. The One who hung every star in place and gave them each a name, loves me...loves you. So even though some days I may cry out like David and say, "Oh my soul, why are you so downcast?" I will put my hope in God and I will praise Him, for He is my salvation. He will never leave me. He is my hope. 

Here are some helpful resources dealing with anxiety, depression and suicide prevention. 

  • From Focus on the Family - https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/mental-health-resources/ 
  • From Every Day Health - https://www.everydayhealth.com/anxiety/guide/resources/
  • From ADAA - https://adaa.org/find-help/support/community-resources
  • Suicide Prevention Hotline - Dial 988 or visit https://988lifeline.org/




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