Though Storms May Come & Winds May Blow...

 As I sit here tonight thinking about my upcoming surgery on Friday, I feel a mixture of things...grateful to be alive, thankful for the prayers of my family & friends, thankful that I am still cancer-free, nervous about anesthesia, dreading the pain I know I will be in when I wake up, but anxious to get it all over with and behind me. This too shall pass.

The last four and half years have been the hardest of my life. Doctors, treatments, tests, appointments, procedures, surgeries, medications, pain, depression, panic attacks, and a lifetime of disability...no longer having a whole body. I cannot deny it has caused me a degree of trauma that will be with me forever. There are still certain things that cause me PTSD, like the antiseptic taste you get in your mouth when the nurse flushes your IV (or port) with saline or even the smell of the antibacterial soap they use in the hospital. It can throw me right back to angry red bags of chemo, my hair falling out, and feeling like my skin was turning inside out. 

What I have that some people do not have, is my faith in God. My complete belief that my God will never leave me. I have heard people say that if God loves me so much why did He let this happen? Listen, God didn't do this, but He also didn't promise that we would never have trials & tribulations in this broken, sinful world. I would never have made it through the darkest days without His presence surrounding me.

As one of my favorite Christian authors, Lysa Terkeurst, wrote, "What if the worst parts of your life are actually gateways to the very best parts you’d never want to do without?” I decided early on that if this was the road I had to go down, then I would use it to point people to God. I would be completely honest about the experience, my thoughts, feelings, doubts, and fears but also about my relationship with and trust in my beloved Savior. I hope I've done that.

There are many things I have learned through this experience. I've learned to cherish each day, even the bad ones. I've learned that no job is more important than your family or your health. I've learned that life isn't fair and that's ok. I've learned that I am tougher than I thought. I've learned that God can use our most painful experiences to allow us to comfort and minister to others going through something similar. I've learned that nothing that I surrender to God goes to waste. I've learned that rest is not a luxury, but is crucial for battle. I've learned that the prayers of others can give me strength when I have none left.

I'll not deny that a bit of a perfect storm has been happening in our lives this month. I admit I was hoping for a gentler start to 2023. It's not been dull, I'll just say that, and we covet your prayers. I don't think I've cried this much since my original diagnosis. Maybe I'm just getting soft in my old age, LOL! Either that or I've just realized I'm better off getting it out than trying to keep it in.

So...another surgery on Friday. This will be my 7th surgery in 4 and a half years. I have had a port placed in my chest for chemo, a double mastectomy with reconstruction and port removal, a complete hysterectomy because the type of cancer I had predisposed me to uterine cancer & fed off of estrogen my ovaries were making. I then had issues with the tendon in my ankle, made worse by neuropathy from chemo, and had to have that reconstructed. Once my ankle was stable, it caused my knee to be imbalanced and I tore the meniscus which meant I had to get that fixed. Most recently, I had lipo under my chin and jaw because the massive doses of steroids I had to take during chemo caused an abnormal build-up of fat that would never go away on its own. This one is a bilateral reconstruction revision to remove internal scar tissue and replace the implant on one side that was caused by radiation and remove external scarring on the other side. I am taking 11 work days off (16 days counting weekends) but full recovery will take 4-6 weeks with physical therapy very likely after that. There is always a chance the scar tissue will come back but I don't want to think about it, to be honest. 

I want to say again that even though these last four and a half years have been tough, God has used this season in my life for good. I know full well that satan hoped it would cause me to curse and turn away from my Savior. But no matter the storm...no matter the winds that howl, God is still with me. God has used this blog to reach people all over the world with the message of God's love. No one understands your suffering more than He does. No one loves you like He does. I have no doubt that when I leave this body I will walk into the arms of my Jesus. If you don't have that assurance, it's not too late to have it. Send me a message. I'll be happy to talk to you about it. 

For those who have asked how they can specifically pray for us:

1. Pray that I will remain calm.
2. Pray for the anesthesia and surgery to go smoothly and without complication.
3. Pray for my doctor, Dr. Morgan.
4. Pray that the pain will be minimal and that I will heal quickly.
5. Pray for Scott as he cares for me. I will probably be grumpy, LOL.
6. Pray that the scar tissue would not recur.

Thank you loved ones!