Warrior Mode Activated

I wasn't able to be at church this morning but I listened to the sermon online. We have a wonderful Pastor and his words this morning really summed up what I've been thinking and feeling these past couple of days. Twice now in the last three years, I have shaken hands and exchanged pleasantries with someone for the very last time. I didn't know then that it would be the last time. I had no idea it would be the last time on this Earth that I would say good morning, exchange a smile, a handshake or a hug. I had no idea that they were so depressed that they had given up on life. I had no idea that the darkness of depression had an iron grip on them and would soon cause them to take their own life. When I heard about my friend's suicide, I kept going over what we said to one another last Sunday morning. I kept thinking about what he said and how he said it...how he looked. He seemed cheerful, but I will say there was something that made me give him a second glance as I w...

Good morning loved ones! I was just thinking this week, as I sat at my Oncologist for my 4 month check-up, about all of you and how you prayed me through the worst days of this journey to healing. I thank God for each of you every day in my prayers. Prayer is mighty! We studied recently in Sunday School about keeping it simple when we pray. In other words, taking out all the ambiguous text in our prayers and just tell God what we need. Just praise Him for who He is and leave out all the fancy words. One of the simple prayers I prayed frequently when I was in the dark days of chemo was, "God help me." He didn't need me to be specific. He knew. He knows. He doesn't need fancy language, big words, etc. to know our hearts. I don't know about you, but that is of great comfort to me! So my prayer for you today is this..."God bless you." I don't even have to be specific. He knows!  As I said, I had my 4 month checkup. I had lots of questions. My oncol...

Have you ever heard this story by Dr. John MacArthur? The Lonely Ember A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the pastor decided to visit him. It was a chilly evening. The pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his pastor's visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a big chair near the fireplace and waited. The pastor made himself comfortable but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the play of the flames around the burning logs. After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone. Then he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host watched all this in quiet fascination. As the one lone ember's flame diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and "dead as a doornail." No...

I've been struggling a bit lately with my "new normal". I've tried my best to remain positive. Things could definitely be SO much worse. Yet, I am not the same person anymore...not physically or mentally or spiritually. That's not necessarily a bad thing I suppose in some aspects. And yet...I think it is the physical side of things that I am struggling with the most. I don't mean to sound like I am complaining. I am so very grateful just to be alive! But I am also not the "me" I was before. I have physical limits now that I simply cannot deny. I have pain now that I must learn to live with for the rest of my days. There are days when it really gets me down. I'm not superhuman and some days the positive attitude gives way to weariness. If anything I want anyone reading this, who has had a struggle like mine, to understand there will be days like this when you just don't feel strong enough to face it...days when you just need to crawl up in yo...

I'm home sick today. I've had a busting sinus headache since Monday and it finally got the best of me. Heading to CVS in a bit to sign my life away for some Sudafed and get my 100-mile long receipt. When I got up this morning at 5am to get ready for work (have I mentioned I'm not a fan of summer hours?) I immediately knew something wasn't right when I leaned violently to the left. Thankfully my room is a piled up mess right now so instead of just falling down I pinballed my way to the bathroom. Apparently, this sinus mess has made its way to my inner ear. This happens a few times a year and there's nothing to be done about it but decongest and try not to move my head suddenly.  So, I took a sick day...as if I have any of those left at this point! Yep, apparently, my sarcasm is indeed fully intact today though. Sorry in advance. This past week I gave in to worry again. I noticed my collar bone is sore. Now, of course, for most people you just think, oh I strained ...

Thought I'd post just a little update, and shamelessly ask for you to join my TEAM this October (see below)!! I think back to this time last year and I'm amazed at how my life is different. Last year, on June 29th, my world changed forever. I was in the depths of despair. Today, I'm happy, as healthy as I can be after what I've been through, and getting better each day. If you had told me on this day a year ago what I was about to go through I wouldn't have believed you. All in all, I have been very blessed though. I never required hospitalization during 4 months of very strong chemo and managed to come away without neuropathy or major heart damage. I sailed through 3 surgeries without complications and radiation without debilitating side effects or burns. Don't get me wrong, there were days I felt worse than I ever have in my life and days when I was in so much pain and so tired I could barely move, but it was all temporary. On the worst days, as I drifted i...

I saw the cardiologist today. Leading up to this visit I have been very worried and of course, went down several rabbit holes on Google that showed me the worst case scenarios. I can't help it. I'd rather know as much as I can so I can understand what they are telling me when I go to a specialist. It didn't do a lot for my stress levels, and it seems like every morning on my way to work was the easiest time to worry over it. But every day I would hear a song on the radio that would break through my worries and encourage me at just the right time. On the way to my appointment today, I heard Francesca Battistelli singing The Breakup Song... "Fear you don't own, there ain't no room in this story, and I ain't got time for you telling me what I'm not like you know me, well guess what? I know who I am. I know I'm strong, brave, and I am free. Got my own identity. So fear, you will never be welcome here." The perfect song at the perfect moment. G...