Warrior Mode Activated

I saw my oncologist today. He seems like a very nice guy. He sat and answered all my questions, never made me feel like he wanted me to hurry up like a lot of Doctors do. He answered everything thoroughly. So here's the plan: Intensive Chemo, every 2 weeks for 16 weeks. The first 4 treatments will be a combo drug and then the last 4 treatments will be a different drug. He was very honest and said it is going to be very rough. About 2-3 weeks after I am done with Chemo I will have a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. Between now and then I have to have a port put in, a chest x-ray and some sort of heart scan to make sure it is strong. Apparently one of the drugs can cause issues with your heart if it's weak. Not expecting any issues with that, it's just precautionary, preliminary testing. I am relieved to have a plan, but I think I am also in a bit of shock. I'm not sure it's hit me yet. Tomorrow I go to get my hair cut very short. Don't b...

Since this whole ordeal started I have been unable to keep track of what day it is. I just seem to be drifting from one day to the next. I've never been stellar at remembering dates to begin with but my brain is running so fast and I cannot seem to slow it down. It's a bit like when I try to make my computer do too many things at once and the fan comes on like a jet engine trying to cool it down and the programs I'm running slow down to a crawl with that little thing just spinning, going nowhere fast. Today we cleaned the house. I am pretty sure this is the cleanest it has ever been. That makes me happy. At least I can start this next week of appointments with a clean house and everything, for the most part, in its place. My screen porch is still a bit of a wreck because it will not stop raining and we aren't going to talk about the garage full of Jarod's boxes and furniture to be moved to App on August 3rd. But, as I sit here in my newly painted bedroom with the...

I got a bit of good news today! My test results for my CA 125 test came back. That is a blood test that measures the amount of the protein CA 125 (cancer antigen 125) in your blood. It is a test to look for signs of ovarian cancer in people who are at a high risk for the disease. Because my genetic test was positive for the breast cancer gene, it puts me at high risk for ovarian cancer as well. The normal range for this is less than 35U/mL. Mine was 15U/mL. This is good! I will still have an ultrasound on my ovaries but this is very good news! I like good news! :) I also had my teeth cleaned today and guess what? No cavities thank you very much! I know...I do need to floss more and I promise I will! It's important to keep your teeth healthy during chemo and so I shall add that to the list! I do feel a bit guilty though. Today as I was leaving the dentist the sweet girl at the desk commented on how long my hair had gotten. Before I even thought I said, "Yes, well not for l...

Yesterday, I ended up in the ER. As you know, this is not a place anyone wants to be. I think the waiting is the worst part, but let me back up. Since my procedures a little over a week ago I have been basically numb around the places that were biopsied. I've had a lot of pain since the procedures but night before last, the nerves suddenly jumped to life again and hit 10 about 3am. I am still very swollen, because, well, that's just what my body does really well. I had a similar response many years ago when I had knee surgery. My meds for anxiety have been making me nauseous and so I haven't slept well in a while. All the makings of a perfect storm. I felt horrible Sunday morning and I was in a lot of pain. I took some Tylenol and went on to church, doing my best to just power through but by the time I was done singing, I texted Scott and told him I was headed to the Urgent Care just to get checked out, never expecting them to send me to the ER. The Dr. at Urgent Care was ...

Today I watched videos on wigs and makeup for chemo patients. Then I researched why I should have chemo before surgery. Then I watched someone getting their eyebrows microbladed on, then researched how much it costs, then tutorials on how to put on false eyelashes. I don't like surprises so I research a lot. Every time a question pops in my head I'm online looking for answers. Some people might not want to know beforehand. But for me, it helps me prepare myself for what is to come. As I have said before, the unknown is what causes me anxiety.  I'm still not certain why they want to do chemo first. That will be one of my first questions when I see the Dr on the 30th. Speaking of questions...I bought a notebook to write them down as I think of them. I also got an accordion file and organized all my paperwork from visits, claim forms, test results, medication lists, Drs. & insurance information, so I can have that with me at each visit. I also got a planner ...

It's been raining alllll day, but today I met for lunch with my former WBS Roomies and it was wonderful! We had a nice lunch and good catch up. It had been too long. I am pretty sure the 3 of us could talk non-stop all day long and still have more to say, LOL.  I also saw a former coworker while I was there and she told me she had just phoned her son to ask him to put me on their prayer list. I continue to be overwhelmed by the prayers being lifted for me. Thank you loved ones. They are truly helping! Please don't be offended if I don't respond directly to your comments. I am reading every single one and I cannot tell you how much peace it brings me. Taylor & Jarod cleaned the house for me while I was gone today. It was so nice to come home and not have to worry about it. I stopped at Hobby Lobby on my way home and would you believe they are already in full Christmas mode? Christmas trees and all! Seriously! I'm having a hard time thinking about any Holidays righ...

It was a gorgeous day in Wilmington. I had a good day at work. Scott made burgers on the grill for dinner and then we went to Fort Fisher for a little bit. Actually, that's not how we had planned it. We were going to walk on Wrightsville Beach, but on the way, we got a call from son #3 who works at the Mini Golf at Carolina Beach. He forgot his phone charger...could we bring it to him? So...we changed course and went to Carolina Beach instead. Not five minutes later son #2 called...were we going to drop off son #3's phone charger? Good. Could we grab his basketball shoes out of the van that son #3 took to work and drop them off to son #2 at the church gym by 8pm? So...after dropping off the charger and picking up the basketball shoes...we finally ended up at Fort Fisher to watch the sunset.  Life often throws you curve balls.  I surely wasn't expecting this one. You may not be able to control your circumstances, but you sure can control how you react to them. I a...

In the middle of a workshop I was teaching today my Dr. called to tell me that there is no cancer in my lymph nodes!! I am so happy about that I could jump for joy! I also (at least for now) do not have to have radiation. I do have to have chemo first and then surgery. I go to see the Cancer Dr. on the 30th to find out when chemo will start and how long it will be. I am not looking forward to that part at all. I am not certain just yet, but I may not be allowed to work during that time. Once I get a definite plan from the Dr. I'll go get my hair cut. I will probably cry. I realize that's vain...but still. God has placed so many wonderful people in my path that know what it's like and have promised to help me in so many ways. It just blows me away. He is walking with me down this hellish road and He is holding onto me, sometimes carrying me, and placing what I need right in front of me before I even realize I need it. Of course, there is always a little bad to temper th...

Today was painful. I had 2 biopsies yesterday. One on a spot just above the last on the right side and one of a lymph node under my right arm. I am very swollen and bruised and it hurts like mad. On the left side, I had 4 cysts aspirated to make certain that's all they were. Unfortunately, when she did the lymph node biopsy she hit a blood vessel and it splattered all over me, up my neck, into my hair. Now, I have raised three boys so the sight of blood doesn't usually phase me much but I guess it's different when it's your own. I still feel queasy thinking about it. It took a while to stop the bleeding so I had to lay there for what seemed like forever with someone pressing very hard on the very spot I didn't want them to press. Needless to say the seatbelt in my car was not my friend today. I need some sort of cushion for that strap that's for sure! I took my ice pack with me to work and it helped a little. It hurts. This is definitely gonna take a while to r...

Searching in my closet for things to take camping, I found 2 shirts and a cap that I bought last year to wear to school when the 5th graders were raising money for Breast Cancer Research. Never thought I'd be wearing them as someone with cancer. "Hope in Pink" "Pink for the Cure" I stared at them angrily for several days before I decided to actually wear them. And I am still angry...very. I'm angry this has happened to me. Angry that I now have to put my life on hold to fight this. Angry that things were going so well and then came crashing down. I think it is normal to feel angry about something like this and I think it wouldn't be good for me to pretend otherwise. Tomorrow I have more tests. An ultrasound of my left breast and of my right sentinel lymph node, which they said looked a bit enlarged on the MRI. There is no lump on my left side but the MRI showed an abnormality they want to look at a bit closer. They will most likely biopsy both. I'...

I want to get on with it. My brain keeps swirling with worst-case scenarios no matter how much I try to stay positive. I just want a schedule...to know exactly what I'm up against. That's my current frustration. That and wondering how on earth we're gonna pay all the bills without my paycheck for a couple of months. Could get interesting. I've rearranged the extra bedroom and got it ready for visitors and today I scoured the bathrooms. I've been washing clothes non-stop since we got back from our trip. How on earth did we get that many things dirty in a week?? I still need to clean my kitchen and put away all these clothes. I just feel like I need to have everything ready in case I am able to convince my Dr. to get me on her surgery schedule at the earliest possible time. I'm not good at waiting. I never have been. I took some "before" pics today. I want to remember how I look with hair in case chemo takes it. Silly probably, but I did it anyway. ...

I feel a little better today. Not sure if it's the meds, just knowing a few more results or talking over options with Scott. He's all for me going all the way...double mastectomy with immediate recontruction, chemo, radiation...I just want it done asap. I'll know more about my options after the biopsies on Monday afternoon. I plan on telling my Dr. that I want them both gone as soon as possible. I can't live with the worry of it coming back in the other side. I only want to have to do this once. My google and youtube searches these days are odd. Treatment options, videos of various types of surgeries, make-up videos on how to put your eyebrows back on if you lose them due to chemo. Wigs. Hats. Ugh. Camp has been simply beautiful. It rained one night a little but we stayed dry in the tent and slept well. The days have been gorgeous, not too hot in camp. The creek feels amazing and jolts you awake with it's icy waters. Today we're going to stick around cam...

Yesterday started out gorgeous. We went into pigeon forge to get a few supplies, took our annual trip to The Knife Museum and then went back to camp for a few hours. We played in the creek and saw an otter. He was very friendly. I've never seen one up here before. Later we went into Gatlinburg for our annual dinner at the Hill Billy Mellow Mushroom. While I was there I received a voicemail from my Doctor. She had called while I was up at camp. They found a couple more places on the MRI that they want to check with ultrasound and biopsy. A spot on the left that may just be a cyst and on the right where the cancer is the nymph node looks enlarged. She said not to worry they can do it as soon as I get back. So Monday at 2pm I'll have 2 more biopsies. Of course I'm worrying. I cried. I couldn't stop. The happy mood of the evening was ruined. We walked down to the candy kitchen and I got a caramel apple but I couldn't finish it. I have 2 more appointments schedu...

This past Sunday my Sunday School class gathered around, laid hands on me and prayed. Then just before church, our choir prayed for me as well. I cannot tell you what that meant to me. It was a very tough morning and I was emotionally exhausted by the time I got home. This Sunday I will be traveling to The Great Smoky Mountains, to Elkmont Campground, 10 miles above Gatlinburg. I've been camping with my family there my entire life and my boys have grown up camping there nearly every year as well. I never grow tired of it. It's gorgeous. I've spent my life in church, heard many a fantastic sermon, but there is nothing that compares to the sound of the birds singing the sun up, the sun peeking through the canopy of trees, the sound of the water rushing over the smooth boulders in the creek. The sound of nature waking up is amazing and better than any church service I have ever attended. This Sunday, I will be in God's sanctuary. We've nearly finished packing. It is...

This will be short, I think. I am still under the influence of the valium they gave me earlier in the day before I had my MRI. Turns out, it wasn't so bad...certainly due to the valium, but also because I was face down in a comfortable position, kind of like being at the chiropractor really. They gave me headphones with some nice "spa" music playing which was promptly drowned out by the insanely loud MRI machine. I didn't go to sleep but was able to stay calm and still for the 30-minute procedure. One more thing to check off the list. Boy, do those meds work well. Speaking of meds, I am now on an anti-anxiety medication and I truly hope it helps. To be honest, I hate taking meds but I don't have much choice right now. Tomorrow we pack for camping. We got a little bit done today but tomorrow is THE day. We must finish packing! I managed to get the list made today so hopefully tomorrow we can get it all done. I cannot wait to get to the mountains! Had dinner ...

I'm overwhelmed by the messages God has sent me today. First, a card through school mail from a former colleague encouraging me with her thoughts and prayers. Then a message from someone who I love dearly, who came to me the day I found out, met my fear head on and prayed me through it. A text from a sweet friend. My coworkers who are a constant encouragement and one who made me laugh until my stomach hurt today with his mischievous pranks. God is in the details of our everyday life if we'll only stop and look. I sometimes forget, I am His child, and He is going to do what my earthly Daddy wants to do, and that is kick this cancer's butt to the curb. I have a very hard time saying the word cancer. I can hardly even type it. It's as disgusting to me as the nastiest curse words. I don't want to associate it with any part of who I am. I want it out of me. I want it gone. Last night something new happened as I was trying to drift off to sleep. I was paralyzed with ...

Today I woke up early. Every morning thus far I have woken up crying. It's weird. I don't recall dreaming anything sad or scary and yet in my first waking moments, I become aware that there are tears falling and my pillow is damp. We cleaned house a bit this morning and Scott went to the grocery to get ready for our lunch with family.  It was a very good afternoon. Good food followed by floating in the pool, laughing at the kids playing games and just relaxing with the ones we love. Boy, do I need days like that right now. Later in the afternoon, when everyone had gone home, I picked back up painting my room. I made good progress today...it's nearly done! I can't say I love the color. I was going for a soft peach...it's pink. But, it's better than the buttercup yellow that it used to be. I know a lot of people like yellow and although my most favorite flowers are yellow roses, I'm not a fan of yellow walls. So...now they're pink. Scott has been very...

Today was one of the good days. I made it through most of the day without any tears and I really laughed again, several times. When I took my new job and decided to decorate the wall behind my desk, I had no idea what my future held. I walked around Hobby Lobby forever, trying to decide what I wanted and the sign below was the first thing I picked. I had no idea then why I'd need to Stay Brave, but I liked the sign so I bought it. Now every morning when I walk into the office it is one of the first things I see and I'm glad. Even then, God knew I would need it. I have also been blown away by the number of people I know personally that have either recently battled or are currently battling the same thing I am. Why is this happening to so many people?? How did I never know it was so wide-spread? If I could give you one piece of advice it is to get a yearly mammogram and if you notice even the slightest change, go right then to have it seen about. Better safe than sorry. I go...

Today I went back to work a different person. I love my job and the people I work with. I am thankful, grateful for the distraction of work but at the same time, I feel overwhelmed...not by work, but by the insurance paperwork, finding policy numbers, figuring out how to login to see my benefits, waiting to hear about scheduling. It takes immense focus to keep up the facade that all is well in my little world. Just Keep Smiling. I really don't want to smile. But, helping others can take your mind off of your own troubles and that is good. I had my genetic test today. They were out of the spit tests, so they drew blood instead. I was in and out in no time and back in my car on the way back to work before the tears started.  They sneak up on me when I least expect it. A new person started at work today and it's been a good distraction helping him get settled in. I am thankful that I'll have some help and not feel so guilty when I have to be out. I'm waiting to hear...

For those of you who don't know, I've just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It was caught early, stage 1 we believe, and is the most common type...Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. It is, I've been told, very treatable, even curable with surgery, possibly chemo, and radiation. I have a long road ahead of me. It's not one I ever thought I'd be on. I am still in shock and suffering nearly constant panic attacks that are not under my control to stop no matter how much I tell myself it's going to be ok. My faith in God is deep and long-standing. I know He's got me in the palm of His hand. My brain knows that...my body, on the other hand, is rebelling. This is the beginning of my journey. To avoid having to constantly repeat myself, or possibly forgot to update someone, I wanted to start this blog so that I can keep you updated with specific things to pray about. I probably won't update it every single day, but I will try to keep it updated when I get new infor...